My Angel
by TheRealityOfFantasy
Summary: Castiel runs away, leaving a very confused and distraught Dean. What made him leave, and can Dean fix it? Destiel. Rated for romance themes and language.


"...and I know it's a pain in the ass but you have to pull through, Dean. Without Castiel. People need us. _I_ need you. I can't fight these battles alone!..." This is where I zone out on my brother. Dammit Sam, our life is practically a horror film as it is, I don't need it to be a freaking soap opera too. I love my brother but these touchy, heartfelt conversations are making me gag. I've been through enough since... he... left. I need time to myself, not a motivational speech.

"We can make it without-"

"Sam, don't you fucking dare say his name again."

That bastard. That freaking bastard. He left me alone without anything more than a goodbye message scribbled on a Post-It note that he left on the refrigerator of this crappy motel, and now Sam expects me to just move on. In any normal situation I'd be able to get over someone. Hell, I thought Sammy was dead and for a year I managed to live a normal- well relatively normal life. But this is Cas we're talking about. I'm not sure how to put it but there's just something...different with him. In his words, we share a more profound bond. That's one way to put it, I guess.

"You need to get over this, Dean. Cas left us, and probably for good this time. We're probably never going to see him again so stop holding on to something that might not even be there. It's worthless to just sit around and dwell on the past. Onward and forward, we have shit that has to get done." I can't stop myself from flinching when the fallen angel's name leaves Sam's mouth. He knows how important Cas was, _is_, to me. How can he be such a heartless douche right now? It's too much to even think of Cas, let alone sit in a motel room listening to his name being spoken like a broken record. I stand up and head out into the night, the slam of the door behind me cutting Sam off when he yells my name.

I'm not sure where I'm going, and I honestly don't care. The area is new to me- Cromwell, Connecticut. It's been ages since I've seen this state. No diners or gas stations in sight, I head for a little wooded area with a dirt path barely visible under the moonlight. There's no one around, barely even any wildlife. Knowing that I am completely alone, I allow a single tear to fall. Then another. And another. Before I know it I'm bawling into my calloused, filthy hands like a pathetic baby and I can't stop. I'm too upset and pissed off and completely lost over the fact that Cas just left with no explanation. If he told me I'm sure I'd understand. He's been confused and under a lot of stress after he lost his wings, so if he needed to get away and catch his breath I wouldn't put up a fight. But all I got was "Dean, I need to leave. I'm sorry. -Castiel" scribbled on a Post-It note that he left on the refrigerator three days ago. I found it odd that he only mentioned me and not Sam, but I guess I was too distraught to really think about that. For some reason the thought that he was only saying goodbye to me is kind of comforting. That sounds really selfish, I know.

"Why, Cas?" I wasn't even sure if I said the words out loud. I repeated them a bit louder, hearing my voice bounce off of the trees around me. "Why?!" I scream, my eyes blurry from the tears. "You son of a bitch." The muffled words provide some relief when they escape my mind and enter the atmosphere. "Cas, you asshole, you can't just leave us like that, man!" My voice is slowly getting louder. "We need you!" I'm screaming now. "I NEED YOU!"

I manage to raise my head.

And freeze at the sight in front of me.

"C-Cas?" No. I'm imagining this. I blink a few times, and when I look again he's staring right back at me with his usual blank expression. I guess he still doesn't understand human life, even though he's living it now.

"Dean-" He begins to say something but I cut him off with a bone crushing hug, slinging my arms around his neck. I'm completely and utterly pissed at him and we're both confused as to why I wordlessly flung myself into his arms, but I can't bring myself to pull away. He doesn't seem to mind it either; I feel his arms wrap around me just as forcefully, pulling me impossibly close to him.

"Don't you ever leave me again, you got it?" I shudder into his neck, which is glistening from a mix of his sweat and my tears. He nods in response.

"I understand. Dean, I left because...being human, the feelings that I'm experiencing are...different from what I was expecting. I was afraid."

"Of what?" I loosen my grip a bit. Something's wrong with him; one of my hands is gripping his shoulder, and I begin to move my thumb in small circles. He shudders a bit, and I think I begin to understand what he's feeling. Or, maybe I'm just hoping.

"Of you. As I've said, you and I share a profound bond. But since I fell from grace, I've developed a new feeling, one that I've never felt before. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I only feel it with you. I meant to ask you about it, but when the thought arose my heart started beating very quickly, my hands got sweaty, and I got nervous. I couldn't bring myself to talk to you, and I didn't know who else to turn to, so I ran away. I'm sorry. I'm still very confused."

Keeping my arms around Cas, I pull my head away from his shoulder so I can look directly in his eyes. I feel his heart beating, his pulse pounding against my arms that are still surrounding his neck. Mine had started up too. I lean in a bit, never losing eye contact. "Castiel, I think I know what you're feeling." Our faces are mere inches apart. I lower my voice. "Because I feel the same thing." I softly brush my lips against his, worried that he won't know how to respond. As I feel him react to the kiss, with some knowledge, may I add, I remember the pizza man porno that taught him everything he needed to know. I almost pull away from pure shock until I remember this, then move one arm down so my hand is resting on his lower back. The other goes up to get lost in his hair. He wraps one arm around the back of my neck and places the other on my shoulder. I feel an intense tingling where his hand is and his words from years ago register in my mind.

_I am the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition..._

We stay like that, completely lost in each other for what seems like an eternity. After a few more seconds he pulls away, needing to catch his breath. He seems nervous and won't meet my gaze. I put a hand under his chin and lift it gently, forcing him to look in my eyes.

"Dean...what is this?"

"Did you like it?"

"...Yes. Yes, I-I did..."

"Castiel, what you're feeling, it's called love. You know the feeling, this is just an extreme version of it. Probably confusing because I'm a guy."

"Why, why am I feeling like this about you then?" There's fear in his eyes. Of course, an ex-angel who used to live under God would be confused and scared of the higher power after kissing another man. "But God...this was never introduced, we only knew of love for women..."

"Did you ever _feel _love for a woman?"

"No..."

"Forget what God taught you, you don't live under him anymore. Castiel, you're gay." He thinks about it for a minute. I do too, actually. I was always popular with the ladies, but now I realize that it was never love. Nothing has ever felt this strong. I think it's something new for both of us, even though I was pretty sure before he was. I see him relax, and it eases my mind too. He shoves his face into the crook of my neck, finally beginning to understand.

"It's confusing, I know," I almost whisper. "This is pretty new to me too." I pull his shoulders so he's looking at me again. "It's confusing, but it feels right."

He nods. "Yes...yes, it does." He inches towards me, then stops. He's still scared. I close the gap between us, covering his mouth with mine once again.

I'm constantly in a battle for my own life, and many other people's lives as well. Cas fell from heaven along with the other angels and is facing a whole new life as a human. But none of our hardships matter right now. God may not consider Castiel to be an angel anymore, but I still do.

He still is, and always will be, my angel.


End file.
